Keeping a Marriage Together

I recently read a condolence message to Celine Dion about her husband’s passing. As part of that Facebook post, the person wrote “... how you're able to keep a celebrity marriage for 21yrs is a marvel; obviously there was more to you …”.

That post got me thinking of the many times women have been counseled to improve themselves and their offerings to their husbands, even in an abusive situation, so that they can enjoy their marriage. Christians, of which am one, are wont to quote the scripture in Proverbs 14:1 that says “A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” (NLT). They use this scripture to buttress their point that the success or failure of a woman’s marriage is her responsibility.

Because of this societal expectation, the woman struggles amidst all sort of abuse, most commonly emotional, to fulfill this huge responsibility that has been thrust upon her shoulders. Many times, she fails miserably, because she is not omnipotent and one person cannot do the work of two.

Marriages, whether celebrity or not, work when the couple are committed to their relationship. It works when they value each other and put one another first. There is no place for selfishness in marriage, only selflessness.

The School of Thought that burdens a woman with the sole responsibility of making her marriage work seems to have forgotten that age-long saying that “You can lead a horse  to water, but you can't make it drink.” For us Bible Thompers, as my dear friend calls us, what will be our answer to the question in Amos 3:3, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (NLT)

Marriage is a covenant and according to http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/, a covenant is 

1. a usually formal, solemn, and binding agreement 
2. a written agreement or promise usually under seal between two or more parties especially for the performance of some action

At the marriage ceremony, when each person says “I do”, they have agreed to live together in marriage. They have promised to love, comfort, honor and keep their spouse for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to them, for as long as they both shall live. This is a formal and binding agreement.

One respected Pastor tweeted this recently, “Marriage will test the strength of one's character. When marriage fails @ least one person did not have the strength of character ‪#‎AmourDance”.

This is indeed the truth.

So, instead of blaming the woman for her marriage troubles when she seeks help, ask the man how he’s keeping his own part of the agreement.

The reason 85% of intimate partner abuse are women* is that even when people are aware, the man is mollycoddled whilst the woman is asked to make all the changes. When it gets to a point, the woman will begin to bottle up and in her frustration, she may unwittingly escalate the situation.

Men need to tell their fellow men, the truth. In fact, we all need to tell one another the truth.

Successful marriages are the result of two people committed to:

1. staying together
2. putting each other first and
3. loving one another through life’s challenges

*    * http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/23/domestic-violence-statistics_n_5959776.html

Testing Church Waters

I recently moved churches.

It was a hard decision but then I remembered that my last Home Church was decided on after several ‘tests’ with others, lots of prayer and soul searching. I only settled on a Church when my Spirit rested and I had peace in the place. 

As Christians, the Bible teaches us that those who are led by God’s Spirit are His sons and daughters. Sometimes we may even say our decisions were made by God’s leading but eventually realize that we may have been wrong, when we lose our peace and experience trouble all around us.

This is what made me understand that my decision to move Churches was not wrong.

Some people say that changing churches is spiritual prostitution but as far as I know, the Bible tells us that Jesus is the Way. The Bible did not tell us that our salvation is hinged on the Church we attend.

So many are so focused on what humans will say or think that they become deaf to what God has said and is still saying. As followers of Christ, we must be courageous enough to follow God and not man because we will end up living with the consequences of our decisions, whether we did it to please people or we made them to please God.

I believe there are 4 things we can check to confirm where God is leading us as regards Church Membership.

1.       Your loyalty to leadership

You cannot be a member of a congregation and despise your leadership.

As soon as you begin to despise your Pastor, their words and ways, you need to prayerfully relocate because your being there is just a waste of time for you. If you give your time and even honour to your leadership grudgingly, do not expect any blessing because The Bible tells us that God loves a cheerful giver.

You cannot receive any impartation from your Pastors when you do not value the anointing upon them. You cannot attract what you despise.

In my former Church, I met many people who had issues with leadership and some of them were leaders themselves. They badmouthed the Pastor and did not appreciate the honour bestowed upon them. They were deeply unhappy and yet they remained there. Some were quick to inform me that they were only there for a time and did not care whose horse was gored.

Each day, I wonder why people remain in a Church, of all places, where they are so hurt they cannot even be open enough to receive any blessing from the message.

Christianity is a faith-based walk and where your thoughts are tainted by hurt and pain, faith would be difficult to grow.

God’s gift makes rich and adds no sorrow, so once there is sorrow in the gift of fellowship, you have to take a second look, in case you just got dazed by the angel of light – Satan.

2.       Alignment of your Values

If your values do not align with the majority, you have to backtrack because you’ll be beating your head against a brick wall expecting them to change.

Change, is indeed possible but know that even God’s Word tells us that two cannot work together except they agree.

If your values do not align with that of church Leadership, then disagreement is inevitable and therefore, progress will be elusive. Be conscious that hurt will be your reward because you cannot come and overturn long standing traditions without the backing of those in authority.

3.       Too much Talk

Church is a place Christians go to refuel their spiritual vehicles so that they can effectively and efficiently navigate life’s terrain. It is a place where you take what you've received back to conquer your world. It is not a place where you go to get the victim mentality because the words are different from the actions.

If you attend a Church that leaves you with much to ‘talk’ about after the service, you need to rethink your membership. If you want to get a degree in GOSSIPING, Church should not be the place for it.

4.       Check Yourself

When all is said and done, we need to check ourselves also, to be sure that we are not the problem. We could become the problem when we join the ‘Talkers’ to badmouth the leadership and the Church’s methods. We become the problem, when we forget what the Bible says about love and start acting like stark unbelievers, judging and reacting. We become the problem, when we start disobeying God’s instructions because of what people have done or said to us. We become the problem when we begin to gallivant with the chickens, forgetting that we are Eagles.

A time comes in a Christian’s life, when they have to choose to live for God by absolutely following His written instructions and listening for His verbal instructions. That is the time when we do crazy things that people cannot understand, for God. It is a time when our lives are not concerned about what people say but are driven by what God says.

It is when we get to that point that we can truly enjoy being members of any Church.