2015: LESSONS LEARNED

2015 comes to an end.

For some it was a year of resounding victories. For others it was the worst year of their lives. For another group, it was comme si comme ca, neither here no there.

For me, it was a year of lessons. Life building and life changing lessons, Lessons I hope to work with in 2016.

In 2015, life was a kaleidoscope of colours, some bright and some dull. Among the bright, there was the dazzle and there was the glitter. Among the dull, were the sombre and the drab.

Bright was the joy of a love rekindled, dull was the reality of betrayal.

Dazzling were the friendships that looked like lifesavers, sombre was the sound of gossip and judgement from the same source.

In the glitter of church, I found the drabness of humanity’s weakness exposed.

I can say now that I know better, because I survived 2015.

I came through 2015 so that I can enter 2016 with these truths.

1. You must love yourself first and show it, before you expect others to love you. Show your love for yourself in your habits, conversations and lifestyle.
2. Guard your heart with all diligence because that is the root of your life’s source. Watch what you read, listen to and think about.
3. Go where you are celebrated and not where you are tolerated.
4.  Spend more time doing good and less time talking about those that are not doing good.
5. Be a builder of lives not a destroyer. Don’t delight in pulling people down, humiliating them and making them feel bad about themselves. Cheer the weak on to strength, cheer the discouraged on with encouragement. Be a lifter and not a downer.
6.  Forgiveness is a choice you must make if you want to truly live free. Let everyone that has hurt you go, in your mind, thoughts and actions.
7. Try to laugh even when life isn’t funny. Make it a priority to create an environment of happiness in and around yourself. Appreciate little happenings in your life, like getting the only parking spot left in that lot, receiving that compliment, . . .  Let your gratitude be more than your complaints, everyday.
8. Invest less time on Facebook and more time on your LIFEbook.
9. There is no better time to do the things you love than NOW. So, get going and write that line, sing that song, learn that new skill, cook that meal, do that thing you’ve always said you will do. Enjoy living. Take a walk and enjoy the flowers, go to the museum, savour the art in the Art Gallery, go to the cinema and watch a movie.
10.  The Government is not an individual but the sum total of each of us. So, instead of badmouthing those in authority, get involved in your community and affect the lives of everyone that interacts with you positively.
11.  There is no knight in shining armour anywhere that will ride in on a steed to change your life’s situation, you have to help yourself. To do this you must begin with being true to yourself about your failures/mistakes, then set goals for where you’d like to be at the end of 2016 and work towards them one day at a time.
12. Take your own advice. Walk your talk.

On that note, I sign off to do number 12 and get ready for a great 2016.

Have a very happy and fulfilling year 2016!

When the Jacket no longer Fits

This jacket has been outgrown by my 2^nd daughter and I have no other daughter after her, so it can no longer remain in the family.

It comes from a time when Miley Cyrus was still Hannah Montana, the sweet role model for little girls, and it has served us very well. 

My sister bought it for my 1^st born 9 years ago. After she wore it for 3 years, I loved it so much that I kept it for her baby sister to inherit when she was big enough.

I loved this jacket so much, I brought it from 1 continent through 2 others till we landed on the 4^th continent where my younger daughter has enjoyed wearing it for the last 3 years. It has been well worn and has still got some life left in it. J

As I folded it in readiness for donating to Charity last night, I looked at it and wished I could still keep it. In fact, I didn’t let my daughter see it because she doesn’t want to give it up even though she can barely fit into it.

In life, there are relationships that are like this jacket. We love them so much and when they fit, they made us look fabulous. Even now, they still look fabulous but they no longer fit us. It is a bittersweet parting, bitter goodbyes with sweet memories.

We need to know when we’ve outgrown a relationship, when being in it no longer fits us. We need to know when to walk away from things we love but are no longer working.

 As much as you love your boss and your colleagues, that job is no longer challenging enough. You’ve shared so many memorable moments and events together but, that 'friend' is no longer your friend. You've made so many friends there, but that Church is no longer meeting your spiritual needs. Your neighbours are so nice and friendly but that house is no longer big enough for your growing family.

Sometimes, we have to make these hard decisions and let go of those people, places, things or organizations that we’ve grown so attached to.

As much as we would like to hold unto them, they no longer meet our needs and if we continue to hold unto them, we will end up tearing them to shreds.

We must learn to let go when the jacket no longer fits.

NOW CHURCH IS JUDGE?

Not good enough for your spouse? Not good enough for your children? Not good enough for your family? Not good enough for your friends? You’ll expect to be good enough for your Church.

But what do you find? Judgment. Judgment. Judgment.

They judge you for how you talk, how you dress, how you be yourself.

They even judge you for how you serve God.

They have a standard, backed up by scripture, which you should live by.

They forget that the scripture can be twisted to suit each one’s purpose, even the devil’s.

Slave masters, dealers and owners backed up slavery with scripture. ⁴⁴“However, you may purchase male and female slaves from among the nations around you. ⁴⁵ You may also purchase the children of temporary residents who live among you, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, ⁴⁶ passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance. You may treat them as slaves, but you must never treat your fellow Israelites this way”. [Leviticus 25:44-46 NLT]

Some abusive husbands support their actions with the bible. “²² You wives must submit to your husbands’ leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. ²³ For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of his body the Church. (He gave his very life to take care of it and be its Savior!) ²⁴ So you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church obeys Christ.” [Ephesians 5:22-24 TLB]

Even alcoholics have a scripture that they use to support their habits. “Go ahead and drink a little wine, for instance; it’s good for your digestion, good medicine for what ails you.” [1 Timothy 5:23 MSG]

Many are being driven from Church by Church leadership and members, because of judgment.

Those who need Jesus refuse to accept him because of how much pain they’ve seen committed Christians take from fellow believers.

Is this God's mandate?

If we all had to become the same, there would be no brusque Peter, feisty Paul or placid John.

If gentleness was all that was required, then every Peter and Paul will not work for God.

People have cut short their commitment to Churches because of the abuse they’ve suffered in the hands of leadership and members.

Those who are bold enough to confront their ‘judges’ meet with scriptural quotations justifying the act. When somebody has been hurt by you, no matter how you defend your position, it is not okay to ignore it and sweep it under the carpet. There is a message in Mathew 7:1-5 about it.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.” [MSG]

A couple of months ago, I saw a lady in the washroom of my church. She engaged me in conversation but I had to cut it short since I was supposed to lead Praise and Worship. After Praise and worship, I went to the washroom again and she came in almost immediately, she started complimenting me on the Praise and Worship and began to rub herself on me claiming that she wanted a rub-off of the anointing. I thought there was something weird about her behavior but could not place what it was.

After service, I asked someone who knew her closely and she told me she had developed serious mental health problems. I asked her why the church was not informed and she told me she did not want to gossip about her. Whilst I was talking to her, another person came up and smugly said she knew her case.

I left Church that day with a deep sense of sadness and wonder.

I wondered if we as Christians still understand the concept of being our brother’s keepers. I wondered how much pain that lady went through silently without having anyone to share it with. I wondered about the ‘culture of shame’ in the church. People are shamed for speaking out about their challenges, so whilst trying to keep up appearances, many have developed all kinds of problems.

As a Christian, what do you do with your knowledge of a brother or sister’s challenge? Do you use it as dinner table gist, conversation starters or a tool to put them in their place? Or do you seek help for them and support them through it?

When did the Church become a place where one had to be perfect to be accepted? Why do we judge ourselves so harshly?

Didn’t Jesus say the healthy had no need for a doctor?¹⁰

 Later, Matthew invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. ¹¹ But when the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with such scum? ¹² When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” ¹³ Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” [Matthew 9:10-13 NLT]

If I’ve become a saint or an angel, then there is no need for me to seek spiritual nourishment as I live only in the spirit realm. Right?

Yesterday I came with honest intentions, today I am being vilified for not waiting to be called upon to serve in my father’s house.

Yesterday I came with much love and affection but today I am rejected, unwanted and judged for not keeping to myself.

Now I will keep to myself, I will shut my mouth but I cannot go on.

But No, I will not shut my mouth! You will still hear from me. “ Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.” [Galatians 6:2 MSG]

CREATIVITY IS DEAD.

This article is a Guest Post by Ivan Galizio.

I’ve really got nothing… THANK YOU GOODNIGHT!!!!!! 

This is an epidemic problem in our society today. Damn kids have lost the spark.  Creativity is dead, and do you know who is to blame? 

That’s right US!!! 

Somewhere between love and protection we have broken an entire generation of humanity. 

Let me tell you what I’m talking about. 

Back in my day, I was never at a loss for something to do. We were kicked out the door right after school with the shouted command “be back before the street lights come on!” 

My Bike was my chariot to the world…  I rode it everywhere.  I imagined it was a Harley and all it took was a few simple playing cards and a clothes pin. 

Do you know what I needed to have fun? A magnifying glass and the backyard. A ball and the side of the school.  A cardboard box.  

Kids these days… TOTALLY DIFFERENT story!  

Let’s take… MY kids for example. 

I have 6 computers in my house for 4 boys… ok 3 boys and me but STILL, 4 iPads, 3 iPods, XBox, PlayStation, an entire arsenal of Nerf guns, bows, arrows… Board games out the wazoo, a piano and 3 guitars. But do you know where my kids always end up? That’s right, right here: “DAD WE’RE bored” 

HOW IN BLUE HELL ARE YOU BORED???? 

The answer, they lack creativity. 

It isn't just my kids, either. Listen up and you’ll hear parents everywhere saying the same thing!

Not convinced?   

When I prepare a speech on any topic, 5-7 minutes is never enough time for me to say all I have to say.  But when my son was asked to write a 1-2 minute speech for school, you should have seen the look of horror on his face!  “What am I gonna say?!”  

They lack creativity in every aspect of their little lives!

Three main things have led to this unfortunate state of affairs:  Fear, conformity and structure.

Fear:  We as parents are afraid of what?
Well, honestly of everything! We fear and so we shelter. 

Don’t go outside… ok go outside but stay in the backyard! Please don’t fall! 

Socialize?! DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS!!! 

If you play in the dirt you could contract the flesh eating disease! 

Sunshine = cancer!

And don’t forget the biggest fear of all. The fear of being judged by other parents. 

“You let your child outside to play? What SPF is their sunscreen?  What brand of helmet? Do they have a GPS enabled tracking device implanted?” 

We shelter our kids and with sheltering came a lack of play a lack of wonder. The loss of creativity. 

Fear is killing creativity.

Conformity:   We preach diversity and yet we want everyone to be the same. 

There are no winners, because that means there might be losers. 

Be special little Johnny!!! Just do it just like everyone else… no you’re doing it wrong, still wrong… ok just be special exactly like Jim. YAY perfect you’re a special little flower just like Jim and Jane and Paul. 

People are encouraged to just fit in. Be like everyone else. Don’t be different. 

In losing our diversity we have lost our creativity. 

Being the same takes no effort.  It’s being different that sparks the imagination, gets the creative fire burning. Conformity is killing creativity.

Structure:  From the moment our children wake until the moment they fall asleep, nearly every second of every day is taken up with structured activities. There is no time for kids to be kids, in fact it’s frowned upon and don’t think it’s just the 700 million billion activities kids now-a-days all seem to be in, but it’s even in the toys we buy them. 

Remember Lego when you were a kid? If you were lucky you were given a $30 set when you were 5 and that set became cars, planes, mansions. That $30 set lasted me my whole childhood. 

Now every time a kid wants to play with Lego they need a new $200 set, with new instructions to follow, so they know what they are supposed to build. 

I mean think about it. When I was a kid I was lucky to have one after school activity. It was always in walking distance and I got myself there and back. 

Along with structure came scheduling. Parents are personal assistants and chaffeurs now. 

Play date? What’s a play date? If I wanted to play with the kid up the street I walked up to his door and knocked. Now I’m making a phone call to book an appointment for two weeks from today and I drive my kid there and pick him up. They don’t even know how to ask to play with each other anymore. 

Structure is killing creativity

Fear, conformity and structure. Where’s the creativity? Where's the bouncing dollar store ball in a pair of your mom’s old stockings? Playing freeze tag with the whole neighbourhood? Feeding stale bread to a family of ducks that flew into the ditch?

I want my kids to notice things, to wonder how and why… and I want them to go out and find the answers… hell, even make something up!  Create some fun.  Create some adventure.  Create a future where everyone isn’t the same, everyone isn’t afraid and everyone isn’t always too busy.  A future where creativity flows free.    

I Know the Colour of Pain

I know the colour of pain

It is the soft shade of a heart
broken into fragments too tiny to be gathered
but yet big enough to mend when hope is discovered

It is the bright hue of an anger                                    

so fiery its expression will be a volcanic eruption
whose lava on every path spews forth destruction

I know the colour of pain                                                     

It is the metallic glint of a bitter laugh
that crackles loudly from behind a wall of tears
to hide the vale of misery at its rear

I know the colour of pain

It is the wild tone of a character
honed from a vengeful decision to be reckless
and live the rest of their life careless

I know the colour of pain

It is the dark tint of a life
tainted by betrayals and broken promises
so numerous they've left callouses

I know the colour of pain

http://alejandrodmarco.deviantart.com/art/The-Colour-of-Pain-458567686

The Gardener and the Seed

The gardener goes to the flower shop to buy some seeds.

On the package of the seed, he sees the beauty of the matured flower.

He sees the potential in the seed and falls in love with her.

He takes the seed home and plants her.

http://www.wikiart.org/en/georges-seurat/the-gardener-1884

One gardener gives the seed all the nutrients and care she needs. He goes the extra mile to show her how much he loves her and she grows into a beautiful plant leaving a sweet fragrance everywhere she goes. She also brings forth healthy seeds too and soon, his garden is filled with much loveliness.

Another gardener gives the seed the bare necessities, and she doesn't grow very well. She struggles to become a straggly plant with dying leaves and never fully blooms. She manages to bear seeds too, but they are tainted by the environment in which she is planted and in no time, his garden is filled with scruffy, sickly plants.

After a while, her gardener begins to grumble about her development. He looks across his fence and sees the other gardener’s beautiful plant and then begins to blame the seed. He says his seed was not good.

I wonder, is this true? Who has the problem, the gardener or the seed?

This is the story of the woman and her man.

The woman is the seed.

With the right man, who is willing to give her all the love and care she needs; a man who has the foresight and is willing to create the right environment for her to become all she is capable of becoming, she blooms beautifully and reaches her full potential.

She beautifies his life in every area and she bears/raises excellent and well adjusted children. Eventually, he becomes a respected man with an enviable home and family life.

Nothing does as much damage to a woman than an intimate relationship with a man who does not care about her environment. With resilience she may struggle to grow but he and everyone around her will never receive her best. Worst of all, her children will also struggle because they will all be limited by her environment.

A flower will never bloom with a loveless and careless gardener.

O man, tend your own garden.

I don’t get it. Do You?

I heard my friend’s husband talking to someone on the phone on Saturday afternoon.

Apparently, he was advising a younger male friend on his relationship. He told the person he needed to make

his lady feel secure in the relationship by tangible expressions of his affection and love for her. He advised him to spend time with the lady and also take her on outings like going to the movies, shows and things like that. He also told him to call and text her with professions of his love. He also told the person to persuade her to take him home as proof of his seriousness about the relationship.

When I heard his advice to the person, I was really surprised but not in a good way.

You see, this my friend’s husband has not been a nice man to her at all. In fact, in the past decade that I've known them, he has never done any of the things he was advising this person to do for his wife. My friend cannot remember the last time he took her out, because it’s been that long.

We've been blaming his behavior on his background but hearing his part of this phone conversation made me conclude that his maltreatment of my friend was deliberate. He knew the right way to treat a woman but he didn't want to treat his wife in that way.

This got me thinking about the issue of domestic violence.

Sometimes, people blame alcohol, drugs, frustration and things like that on a man’s abuse of his wife but thinking of it, it’s not really the truth because…

When a man is drunk, he doesn't beat up his drinking buddies but he can beat up his wife and blame it on the alcohol.

When a man smashes up things in the house because he’s angry or frustrated, he normally smashes up his wife’s things and not his own.

So, these men know what they’re doing. They choose to hurt the women who have submitted to them because they know she loves them and they've taken that love for granted. In spite of these conclusions or assumptions, I still have a lot of questions on why these men abuse the women who have sacrificed so much for them.

I am still reeling from the realization that my friend’s husband knows the right way to treat a woman, but is deliberately messing up his wife and children’s lives and ultimately his own.

I don’t get it. Do you?

                                          

THERE’S SOMETHING TO BE LEARNT FROM THE KARDASHIANS Kim Kardashian – From Shame to Fame

Back in the days, sex used to be something done behind closed doors. Something people spoke about in hushed tones. Back then, men who kiss and tell were vilified and categorized as immature. But the women in that relationship bore the brunt of the humiliation.

In recent times, there has been some changes, men who kiss and tell are no longer viewed as immature but as conquerors but one thing remains the same, the women still bear the brunt of the humiliation.

I remember the story of a girl in Surulere Nigeria whose boyfriend, no, ex-bedmate, circulated a video of both of them in the act. The poor girl was so humiliated, she had to move out of the area but the story never stopped being shared on social media and by word of mouth. Nobody condemned the guy, only the girl got all the scorn.

Why would a man share the intimate details of his sexual escapades with a woman he professed affection for? The only reason I can find is, so that he can destroy her self esteem and ruin her life.

Kim Kardashian changed all that. She held her head up and instead of cowering in shame, she cashed in on it.

Courtesy http://www.dailymail.co.uk/

She rose from the ashes of a sex tape and became a multi millionaire. I would liken Kim’s story to that of Joseph in Portiphar’s house who went to prison on trumped up charges only to be released to become prime minister.

However, her rise was not quite as supernatural but she has continued to leave her critics with a bitter taste in their mouths as she walks upon the high places of this world in spite of their ire.

Today, people still insult Kim with her past but she still walks with her head high. What she gave the man alone to view, she’s now being paid to share everywhere. And since so many have seen her naked body I guess there’s no need to hide it anymore. Some people asked “How will baby North feel when she grows up and sees Kim’s cover with Paper Magazine?”  I say if she didn’t do that cover, her haters still have the sex tape hanging around to show North when she’s old enough. With this cover and the others that came or will come after, she is now in a better position to tell North her reasons for showing her body.  

Kim’s example should motivate every girl whose life has been defined by the men she’s been with, to pick herself up and turn her situation around.

Did you sleep with a coward who kissed and told and now everyone calls you a slut? Were you raped or deceived into sex that left you pregnant and abandoned? Wipe your tears girl, you are not finished. You’ve still got a lot to offer the world.

Look at Kim and tell yourself “If Kim can turn a man’s plan to debase her for sharing her love and body with him into a money maker, so can I.”

Don’t let shamers snuff out your light. Look inside yourself and you’ll see, you’ve still got something our world needs.

A WOMAN YOU MAY KNOW

She may be your sister, a friend, your neighbor, colleague or she may even be you.

She may be so timid, you may even have wondered why she doesn’t have more courage. Or she may be so opinionated, you wish she would allow others have their own say.

She is a woman you may know and this is her story.

Many years ago, she was young and her thoughts were dreams of a fabulous future. She had surmounted a few odds but the beauty of her future did not allow her get bogged down by any disappointments.

When she was quiet, her confidence remained evident and when she was high-spirited, her warm nature still shone through.

One day she met a man who stole her heart. He told her she was beautiful…both inside and outside. He promised her he will make her dreams come true and he asked her to share her future with him. She glowed and her conversations always featured him. He slowly became the nucleus of her plans. She loved it. Ahh…she now belonged to someone, she now had a man who was all hers. She shared her daddy with mum and other siblings, she also shared her brother with mum, dad and several other people but this man was all hers and he loved her.

One day, he put a ring on it and there…one of her dreams was fulfilled.

And so the changes began. She was no longer a happy-go-lucky girl, because she had to check in her every decision with him. She rarely went out with her friends anymore and the few times she did, she was so tense and uptight they couldn’t wait for her to leave. She couldn’t honor her extended family obligations because she always had an excuse for not being unavailable. After a while, she didn’t get as many invitations anymore, no-one wanted to bother her.

There were whispers but no-one was sure because she never complained about anything. Though, if you looked into her eyes, you would see a little uncertainty and fear in them.

Soon, she had no dreams anymore. She went through the motions of living, but she merely existed. She had failed herself. She had made the decision that exterminated her dreams, so she was no longer confident in herself. She managed, but those with insight will confirm that she had more potential.

Some people had no patience for her, she could do better and she should do better. Others were so caring, they thought, they gave her so little responsibility she became completely sidelined.

I wonder, how did her love become her undoing? How powerful is this relationship that can destroy a person’s dreams? Should she be pitied? Should she be mocked? Is there hope for her or is her situation irredeemable?

You tell me.